Salvation

Churches, the huge, majestic cathedrals, have always fascinated me. I think for the opposite reason that they are intended to. When I see them, they fill me with an admiration not for god but for man. Similar to the way skyscrapers leave me breathless. Man, it seems, when motivated sufficiently can create amazing and beautiful structures-- a home he feels is sufficient for god-- or at least nice enough for god to visit once a week.

Maybe that's why I went wandering into the Catholic monolith down the street the other day. It's so big you almost don't notice it amid the one and two story buildings in my little corner of the world. Your eyes aren't drawn upward to its towering spires because, lets be honest, most of our day to day operations take place at eye level and below; pedestrian. But sometimes, before my crisis, I would take a minute to look up-- I think because I enjoy being dumbfounded sometimes. You never want to be embarrassed, but it can be freeing to be dumbfounded. And, I'm a pretty sharp guy, so except when I'm being dumbfounded by the levels to which people sink, I'm rarely dumbfounded. So maybe that's why I went in.

Once I got inside, though, I almost immediately knew why I had come. It was off hours for god, and there weren't many people inside. I wandered around a little just observing. A priest came out of somewhere and asked if I needed help with anything.

"I came in looking for something spiritual," I said. He wasn't an old guy, and so I think he caught the sardonic tone I was using.
"You've never been in here before, have you?" he said.
"No, I'm not really into what you guys do here. But I'm at a low point, and I don't feel like I even belong to my own life. I feel detached from it, so much so that I'm not even an actor playing myself; I'm not even in the play."
"You feel alone?"
"Right. But I suspect this is the part when you start telling me that I'm never alone, and that Jesus is always watching."
"Ha," his laugh was punctuated, monosyllabic, "we try not to be so heavy-handed right away. Especially with newer folks." He says it like he's pretty much figured me out, at least in so far as my skepticism.
"Anyway, I came to here to see people. Not like making new friends, but to watch them. To watch their faces. To see how they interact. People who come here, they believe something, and sharing in that belief, that gives them a feeling of group, of meaning, of belonging."
"That's something you think you're missing."
"Father, I know I'm missing it. Am I supposed to call you Father? Your priestness?"
"Father is fine, if you're comfortable with it. So, if you aren't 'into what we do here' then why did you choose this place. There are lots of groups who believe together in things. You could have gone to a basketball game."
"Well, Father, much like the army, I know you guys will pretty much take anyone, and it won't cost me a thing. Plus, as fervent as fandom is, I wonder if it really approaches the level of what you've got going on here."
"Have you always felt the way you're feeling now?"
"No. I was pretty happy until a few months back. I was in a serious relationship, and she left me."
"That can be very hard."
"I'm sure you know about it. I know you guys can't be married and all, but human relationships come in all kinds of forms, and love is probably universally tied to pain."
"That's very understanding of you. It's true, even in the priesthood we know love and pain."
"Anyway, I loved this girl. Thought I would spend my life with her. Turns out, I'm not what she wanted. That's hard enough to hear; it's a big blow to the ego, but on top of it, she blames me for the whole thing. Like my not being good enough for her was somehow my fault."
"That does sound hard. How long ago was this?"
"A few months."
"When did you start feeling like you weren't living inside your own life?"
"Almost immediately. I mean, I guess I had to get over the shock of it all. But there is just this massive emptiness where she used to be. I'm treading water without any idea which way to swim for land."
"I'm glad you came in. We specialize in lost souls."
"I don't want to go there, Father. I'm not looking to be brought back to the light."
"You just came to watch."
"Right."
"Well, you're welcome to return when we have a mass. Then you can meet some of the other people who belong here. I can assure you there are many of them who are lost too."
"Thanks Father. I will. But let me ask you this: is there any happiness outside being 'saved'."
"No. I don't think so. No one can be truly happy without God in his life. But God is in your life whether you know it or not."
"That doesn't sound very Catholic."
"Ha. We follow the teachings of our faith, but you can't lump everyone in together like that. Everyone believes in his own way."
"Well, if god is hanging around and watching me, then I've got that going for me. So what else do I need."
"You've got to define your happiness before you can strive to reach it. What do you want most?"
"I want her."
"Well, that might happen. I don't know. I've heard of people reconciling. But for the time being, you can't have her. So what else?"
"That is the question, isn't it."

Apropos

Three years is a long, long time
Your heart beats close to mine
There's no wrong or right
When it breaks; it breaks so miserably
I'm leaving constantly
You always said that "I feel dead, nothing left for me"

The writing on the wall
These words that I can't read
I refuse to let this bury me

Three years were the best of times
A time of sacrifice
There's no wrong or right
When it breaks; it breaks so miserably
My world got in the way
I've paid the price
The constant lies, opened up my eyes
The writing on the wall
the words that I can't read
I think about you constantly

I refuse to let this bury me

--From Three Years by Ignite

...and that's the way it is.

Bad Medicine

I went to a punk rock show tonight. To clear my head. I love punk rock.

It was the Pansy Division, a gay punk band that I saw way back in 2000 in Boston. The headliners were The Avengers. Old-school punk, circa 1977. They were cool.

All I did the whole time was think about Rani.

...and that's the way it is.

Amends

If for any reason, anyone out there got the impression that I am not totally and complete in love with my girlfriend, Rani, then I want to be perfectly clear. I have never loved anyone as much as I love her. She is utterly and completely what I want my girlfriend to be. I've been with her for more than 3 years and never regretted one moment of that time, never thought about any other future than one with her.

I've done some things that hurt her. Some things that I wasn't thinking about at the time. I wasn't thinking about their ramifications; about how they would make her feel. It's because I've spent my whole life thinking about myself. I've never been so completely attached to another person that I've had to make her feelings my own feelings. No relationship has ever reached that depth of feeling for me. That I've had to consider how the things I said or did would make her feel. Even if its on a blog that no one ever sees or in notes to old flames. Being with her is teaching me what it really means to be with someone.

It's not enough to know how I feel inside. It doesn't matter how completely devoted to her I am if I don't represent that all the time in everything I do. Anything less than that is a thought betrayal.

Is it dumb to make a list of all the things I love about her? She's beautiful, and sexy, and passionate. She's so incredibly smart, and she sees the world and the way it fits together in such amazing ways. She's always there for me; sometimes a step ahead of me. She got me Thai food one night while I was crashed out waiting to go to work. I woke up in a panic because there wasn't going to be enough time to eat and shower and get to work on time. But there she was, like she always is, with a solution that says 'I love and care about you.' She makes me laugh and opens my eyes to something new every day. I love when she gets so excited she can't contain herself and she just smiles and giggles or jumps up and down when she sees me. She says the word bicycle in the cutest way. I love the way she does everything so perfectly. I love how she can get gifts for me and no one else can because I'm notoriously hard to shop for, but she's so deep inside my head that she knows what I would like when even I don't. I love how she puts up with me while I 'catch up'; whether its a train of thought or a new emotional plateau. I love how she'll wear clothes she doesn't even like that much for me. I even kind of love her dog, despite myself.

She puts so much thought into everything, and it seems like since day one she's known what devotion is. She knows what it means to never lapse and only think about herself. She knew years ago what I'm learning the hard way, maybe the hardest way; that to truly love someone means to put away all the rest of that stuff you've carried around with you. The past has to stay in the past, no matter how harmless it might seem. You can't go around writing blogs in the voice of that 20-year-old you were once, talking about hypothetical people who aren't her. It's at the very least hurtful and downright negligent.

Dumb missteps keep popping up. They hurt her more every time. But I want her, and the whole world to know that I'm not going to let them happen anymore. I'm racing to catch up with her in terms of maturity. I promise there won't be any more missteps. I will work every day to prove to her how much I love her.

...and that's the way it is.

Word of the Month

Fifth Columnist

–noun
1. a group of people who act traitorously and subversively out of a secret sympathy with an enemy of their country.

[Origin] Franco sympathizers in Madrid during the Spanish Civil War: so called in allusion to a statement in 1936 that the insurgents had four columns marching on Madrid and a fifth column of sympathizers in the city ready to rise and betray it.


Benedict Arnold

The End

Two weeks ago, I paid more than 4 dollars a gallon for regular gasoline. Currently, the state wide average in Oregon is $4.27 per gallon.

This past week, two more airlines began charging $15 for your FIRST checked bag.

I am planting my flag to mark this as officially the end. It's all downhill from here. I think I need a gun.

...and that's the way it is.

On Passing On

       I've realized a profound truth about our busy lives, and it's a sad truth. You don't know what you've got 'til it's gone. Sure, it's not a breakthrough. The 80s Hair Metal band (from Jersey) Cinderella wrote a song about it. More specifically, I think, is the notion that you don't care until it's gone and then you realize it's too late to care. I'm a nostalgia freak. I can't throw anything away. I insist on keeping in touch with every cool person I've ever met. But even I take things for granted. Which makes my indictment of you-- the royal you-- that much more profane.

       Basically my point boils down to this, "you" only show up for the funeral, and if you can make it, the wedding. As long as someone, or something, is accessible, we, in America, take it for granted. That person will always be there if I need or want to talk to them. That sucks.

       It's the same with obituaries. Why did Johnny Cash become 10x more famous after he died? Ray Charles? Once they're gone, even if they haven't made amazing music since the 1960s (which I'm not accusing either of my examples of) suddenly people give a shit? Why must we make the moment of death the point at which we reflect and appreciate the life? I know it has to do with logic. It's an identifiable point, a defining moment. Death is the trigger for the memories; it's the peg of the story. Well, it ain't helping them when the worms are eating their brain. Wouldn't it be better to appreciate the living to their face? Maybe pick a birthday? 65? Retirement age. Write a big newspaper article about an extraordinary person when they turn 65. Yeah, some don't make it that long, and others haven't peaked at that age, but it seems like a decent middle ground. Then they can get the fan letters, and the appreciation.

       Here's a list of some of the people who died in 2007 that probably affected your life and you never got to bless or curse them to their face.

• Kurt Vonnegut, Norman Mailer and Ira Levin-- Authors
• Hilly Krystal-- founder of CBGB
• Momofuku Ando-- created Ramen noodles for the poor in postwar Japan.
• Paul W. Tibbets-- dropped the A-bomb on Hiroshima.
• Brad Delp-- Lead singer of Boston. Just picture Erich singing "More Than a Feeling" at the top of his lungs on Comm. Ave.
• Alfred H. Peet-- Founded "Peet's Coffee and Tea" in 1966 ,thus introducing Americans to coffee not out of a can. His protégés Gordon Bowker and Jerry Baldwin went on to found Starbucks.
• John Woodruff-- First black gold metal athlete; enraged Hitler in 1936
• Edwin Traisman-- Invented Cheez Whiz and helped create Kraft singles. Also, created a process for freezing McDonalds French Fries. Was the first to hire women at his McDonald's franchises; breaking company rules.
• Josef Engressia a.k.a. Joybubbles a.k.a. King of the Phone Phreaks-- one of the first hackers in history. Was blind, and hacked the phone system by whistling tones into the receiver.
• J. Robert Cade-- Invented Gatorade.

...and that's the way it is.