If for any reason, anyone out there got the impression that I am not totally and complete in love with my girlfriend, Rani, then I want to be perfectly clear. I have never loved anyone as much as I love her. She is utterly and completely what I want my girlfriend to be. I've been with her for more than 3 years and never regretted one moment of that time, never thought about any other future than one with her.
I've done some things that hurt her. Some things that I wasn't thinking about at the time. I wasn't thinking about their ramifications; about how they would make her feel. It's because I've spent my whole life thinking about myself. I've never been so completely attached to another person that I've had to make her feelings my own feelings. No relationship has ever reached that depth of feeling for me. That I've had to consider how the things I said or did would make her feel. Even if its on a blog that no one ever sees or in notes to old flames. Being with her is teaching me what it really means to be with someone.
It's not enough to know how I feel inside. It doesn't matter how completely devoted to her I am if I don't represent that all the time in everything I do. Anything less than that is a thought betrayal.
Is it dumb to make a list of all the things I love about her? She's beautiful, and sexy, and passionate. She's so incredibly smart, and she sees the world and the way it fits together in such amazing ways. She's always there for me; sometimes a step ahead of me. She got me Thai food one night while I was crashed out waiting to go to work. I woke up in a panic because there wasn't going to be enough time to eat and shower and get to work on time. But there she was, like she always is, with a solution that says 'I love and care about you.' She makes me laugh and opens my eyes to something new every day. I love when she gets so excited she can't contain herself and she just smiles and giggles or jumps up and down when she sees me. She says the word bicycle in the cutest way. I love the way she does everything so perfectly. I love how she can get gifts for me and no one else can because I'm notoriously hard to shop for, but she's so deep inside my head that she knows what I would like when even I don't. I love how she puts up with me while I 'catch up'; whether its a train of thought or a new emotional plateau. I love how she'll wear clothes she doesn't even like that much for me. I even kind of love her dog, despite myself.
She puts so much thought into everything, and it seems like since day one she's known what devotion is. She knows what it means to never lapse and only think about herself. She knew years ago what I'm learning the hard way, maybe the hardest way; that to truly love someone means to put away all the rest of that stuff you've carried around with you. The past has to stay in the past, no matter how harmless it might seem. You can't go around writing blogs in the voice of that 20-year-old you were once, talking about hypothetical people who aren't her. It's at the very least hurtful and downright negligent.
Dumb missteps keep popping up. They hurt her more every time. But I want her, and the whole world to know that I'm not going to let them happen anymore. I'm racing to catch up with her in terms of maturity. I promise there won't be any more missteps. I will work every day to prove to her how much I love her.
