Salvation

Churches, the huge, majestic cathedrals, have always fascinated me. I think for the opposite reason that they are intended to. When I see them, they fill me with an admiration not for god but for man. Similar to the way skyscrapers leave me breathless. Man, it seems, when motivated sufficiently can create amazing and beautiful structures-- a home he feels is sufficient for god-- or at least nice enough for god to visit once a week.

Maybe that's why I went wandering into the Catholic monolith down the street the other day. It's so big you almost don't notice it amid the one and two story buildings in my little corner of the world. Your eyes aren't drawn upward to its towering spires because, lets be honest, most of our day to day operations take place at eye level and below; pedestrian. But sometimes, before my crisis, I would take a minute to look up-- I think because I enjoy being dumbfounded sometimes. You never want to be embarrassed, but it can be freeing to be dumbfounded. And, I'm a pretty sharp guy, so except when I'm being dumbfounded by the levels to which people sink, I'm rarely dumbfounded. So maybe that's why I went in.

Once I got inside, though, I almost immediately knew why I had come. It was off hours for god, and there weren't many people inside. I wandered around a little just observing. A priest came out of somewhere and asked if I needed help with anything.

"I came in looking for something spiritual," I said. He wasn't an old guy, and so I think he caught the sardonic tone I was using.
"You've never been in here before, have you?" he said.
"No, I'm not really into what you guys do here. But I'm at a low point, and I don't feel like I even belong to my own life. I feel detached from it, so much so that I'm not even an actor playing myself; I'm not even in the play."
"You feel alone?"
"Right. But I suspect this is the part when you start telling me that I'm never alone, and that Jesus is always watching."
"Ha," his laugh was punctuated, monosyllabic, "we try not to be so heavy-handed right away. Especially with newer folks." He says it like he's pretty much figured me out, at least in so far as my skepticism.
"Anyway, I came to here to see people. Not like making new friends, but to watch them. To watch their faces. To see how they interact. People who come here, they believe something, and sharing in that belief, that gives them a feeling of group, of meaning, of belonging."
"That's something you think you're missing."
"Father, I know I'm missing it. Am I supposed to call you Father? Your priestness?"
"Father is fine, if you're comfortable with it. So, if you aren't 'into what we do here' then why did you choose this place. There are lots of groups who believe together in things. You could have gone to a basketball game."
"Well, Father, much like the army, I know you guys will pretty much take anyone, and it won't cost me a thing. Plus, as fervent as fandom is, I wonder if it really approaches the level of what you've got going on here."
"Have you always felt the way you're feeling now?"
"No. I was pretty happy until a few months back. I was in a serious relationship, and she left me."
"That can be very hard."
"I'm sure you know about it. I know you guys can't be married and all, but human relationships come in all kinds of forms, and love is probably universally tied to pain."
"That's very understanding of you. It's true, even in the priesthood we know love and pain."
"Anyway, I loved this girl. Thought I would spend my life with her. Turns out, I'm not what she wanted. That's hard enough to hear; it's a big blow to the ego, but on top of it, she blames me for the whole thing. Like my not being good enough for her was somehow my fault."
"That does sound hard. How long ago was this?"
"A few months."
"When did you start feeling like you weren't living inside your own life?"
"Almost immediately. I mean, I guess I had to get over the shock of it all. But there is just this massive emptiness where she used to be. I'm treading water without any idea which way to swim for land."
"I'm glad you came in. We specialize in lost souls."
"I don't want to go there, Father. I'm not looking to be brought back to the light."
"You just came to watch."
"Right."
"Well, you're welcome to return when we have a mass. Then you can meet some of the other people who belong here. I can assure you there are many of them who are lost too."
"Thanks Father. I will. But let me ask you this: is there any happiness outside being 'saved'."
"No. I don't think so. No one can be truly happy without God in his life. But God is in your life whether you know it or not."
"That doesn't sound very Catholic."
"Ha. We follow the teachings of our faith, but you can't lump everyone in together like that. Everyone believes in his own way."
"Well, if god is hanging around and watching me, then I've got that going for me. So what else do I need."
"You've got to define your happiness before you can strive to reach it. What do you want most?"
"I want her."
"Well, that might happen. I don't know. I've heard of people reconciling. But for the time being, you can't have her. So what else?"
"That is the question, isn't it."